***If you don’t use Twitter, there’s still a gem in here for all the Bitch Slap fans today. Waaaaait for it…

I’m taking a new approach with my Twitter account and my Twitter account only: follow more folks, segment and filter via lists. Be less exclusive, more inclusive. And you just kicked me in the nuts for it.

I went into Twitter Karma and did a slew of following yesterday on seemingly interesting accounts. Granted, interesting follows sometimes fly below my radar and Twitter Karma’s a great tool for managing what I happen to miss. But almost instantaneously, my inbox was jammed with disingenuous bullshit auto-DMs “thanking me for the follow” and telling me how they’d made millions in months using a proven online system.

Fuck. Off.

I’m not above trying new tactics. Last year, I published Don’t Take it Personally, but I’m Not Going to Follow You on Twitter. It’s turned out to be one of my most popular posts of all-time (all time). And I’m still going to trudge through with this wild-ass new strategy of mine to follow more folks, but for all that’s holy, I’m not going to hold my tongue in the process.

Here’s the happs:

• I get an auto DM from you: you’re unfollowed. You’re a douchebag.

That’s the only rule.

Here’s why (and I can’t believe we’re still talking about this):

We run around all day long plugged-in. Why on earth would you automate your response to a potential new relationship? I don’t need to go on and on about this when some simple bullets will suffice:

• If your financial planner sent you a form email that obviously didn’t address you, your accounts or your personality, I hope you’d fire them.
• If you’re the jackass at the office who always circulates inappropriate viral videos indiscriminately to everybody on the Accounting email group in Outlook, I hope the IT department gives you its own bitch slap.
• If you’re on an online dating website and a potential date sent you a cut-and-paste letter, I hope you’ll delete it.

With the growth of social media platforms, it’s more important than ever to make them personal. It’s been a struggle for me to pursue a strategy of more follow-backs, as I’ve always strived for a stream I can control and with which I can interact meaningfully. But there’s a happy medium, methinks, and I do hope that the douchebags don’t ruin it for the rest of yas. A follow from me is nothing to thank me for – it’s a mouse click. That’s all. But what I’m looking for is to expand the sources from which I can get meaningful, poignant, oh-so-ME content that I can share.

Whether you use Twitter, Facebook, some or none of these online wonders, it doesn’t really matter. When someone takes a medium with incredibly personal potential and drops a steaming pile of poo in your yard, they’re wasting your time because it’s obvious they’re not interested in a personal relationship.

Anyone who sends out an auto-DM is no better than the companies who waste millions each year filling-up your mailbox with untargeted messages about men’s health (hello, I don’t have a dick) and daycare (hello, I don’t have children). It’s outbound marketing, and you don’t have permission to send me that crap. My following you is my opting-in to your information and what you have to share. Don’t violate my trust when I invite you over to dinner and letting your kids write on my walls with a sharpie.

You can’t take back an auto DM. You can’t take back an untargeted email campaign. You can’t take back sharing an inappropriate viral video with a classroom full of third graders.

So stop it. You’ve been slapped. Here are five criteria to take you through any sort of communication process in this day and age:

1. Personality: understand YOURS. It’s collateral, your brand.
2. Intention: when you send a message, know why you’re sending it and to whom
3. Playground Tactics: not everyone will like you, so get over it.
4. Inclusion vs. Exclusion: there’s nothing wrong with giving people the opportunity to become an asset. Let them prove you wrong.
5. Conversations vs. Monologues: everyone in your high school drama class wanted a scene with a monologue because it was about them. Conversations are magical, however: they involve opening yourself up to the possibility that someone can add something to your life. They’re the basis for all successful relationships.

On a mid-day shuffle to the bank yesterday, I caught an earful on a story affecting the local Denver community (and Colorado as a whole): there’s a proposed law on the slate to make it mandatory for kids to wear helmets. Scooters, bikes, skateboards, in-line skates…yup. Put a lid on it, kids. And some folks are crying “nannyism,” that it’s the government stepping into the role of parent.

Holy hell – it’s no different than parents do when they pack their kids away for 8 hours of babysitting each day at school, right?

I don’t have children (but do hope to in some fashion one day), so I have my opinions. What I’m unwavering about is my steadfast belief that if I spent 9 months and however many hours of labor to get that kid into the world, a helmet is the least I can do for their head.

Now, until law is passed, do what you will with your own head and your kids’. But I’ll offer you a perspective that might change your mind about the inherent wisdom of placing your brain in a bucket:

Look to the pros.

It’s nice that you live in a safe neighborhood. It’s lovely you are always there to keep an eye on your kids. Last I checked, however, you’re not a superhero and you lack frickin’ matter-controlling laser beams that shoot our of your frickin’ eyes.

Look to the pros.

Imagine the dedication it takes to become a professional athlete. Time, energy, sacrifice. Professional athletes wear helmets.

Cyclists: helmets.

Skateboarders: helmets.

Football and Baseball players: helmets.

Motocross riders: helmets.

Motorcycle racers: helmets.

Snowboarders: helmets.

Skiiers: helmets.

Ice Climbers: helmets.

Speed Skaters: helmets.

Are you catchin’ my drift? If your brain is on the concrete, you don’t get a second chance to improve your skills…in sports, life or business. Next time you think you know better, consider the practice of perhaps looking a little uncool and acting more like the people who are cooler than we will ever be because of their dedication and hard work to a discipline they love.

But why do pros wear helmets? Aside from most sports governing bodies requiring the practice, they understand that safety is a key aspect of becoming successful at what they love. Most of the time, you’re not worries about your mistakes – you’re worried about the mistakes of others that can send you crashing down. Flukes, bad timing, plain old bad luck. Whether you’re working on becoming proficient and the best you can ever be or simply trying to get through another day of the rigors, the understanding of safety allows you to take chances. Experience the moments of greatness where you exceed your own bounds. Be a kid, in essence. Push yourself beyond your limits with glee. And if you slip – you’ve got a backup plan that will give you a better opportunity of trying again than facing the end game.

Get proud. Shoot your eye out. Be your very own Ralphie – I really don’t care. But each day, I learn more and more the value of wearing a helmet (both actual and hypothetical).

I can indulge in wild opportunity. Take chances. I can give something a wing ding and while I might get my bell rung, it’s less likely I’ll get my brain scrambled by something that shouldn’t have done so.

I don’t feel out of place because everyone around me in a sporting atmosphere is wearing a helmet. It’s just what you do.

So look to the pros. If you think you’re so bad ass that you don’t need a helmet, don’t wear one. But consider that there are people out there that know better than you, are better than you. And no matter how good you are, your actual and hypothetical brains all look the same when life sneaks up on you and rings your bell. It’s your choice on whether it’ll be your last ring-a-ding.

Awwyeah...The Detractor

We run into it in the board room. It rears its head on our blog. It’s sitting at the table next to us at the coffee shop.

The person who doesn’t contribute.

The Blog Bomber

You can spot them a mile away and hate the smell of ‘em when they get too close for comfort. They’re the epic jackasses who use fake email addresses on your blog to bypass authentication so they can spew things like “yawn” or “LOL. Right on.”

Pro Tip for blog commenters who aren’t so savvy with the interwebz: any blog owner can track a comment by IP address. Yes, the computer from which you spew. Hence, whether you’re dropping mad wisdom or garbage, we know the source. And we’ll block your IP address. I have a zero tolerance for anyone who spews schlock or hate in my blog comments. Debate? Opposing viewpoints? Bring it on and my readers will be better for it. But don’t wast my time or anyone else’s with a petty comment that fails to contribute to the conversation. And use a real email address. It’s a policy on this blog and I believe in holding people accountable for what they write. Anonymous comments are welcome – but your comment will be held for moderation (this is MY house) and I will be judge and jury deciding its relevance toward the matter at hand.

Pro Tip for blog commenters in general: it’s not about the size of your comment. It’s about sharing content that adds to the conversation. When you post crap like “LOL” or a smiley face, are you really contributing? We get it – you laughed. You liked it. You’re upping my comment count. But when it comes to anyone interested in the amount of interaction on my blog (as this is of importance to some who hire me for certain projects), I’m more interested in them seeing 30 comments filled with personal thoughts and threading conversations as opposed to 60 comments that are nothing but a series of LOLcat speak and emoticons. As well, I can always appreciate the well-constructed argument in reply to a post. But don’t hijack my blog’s comment section with a blog entry of your own. Gimme a pingback and write a response on your own domain and link to it in my comments. Please.

The Glommer

If you’re an outdoor enthusiast, you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down. The glommer (a person so accurately defined by my friend Jenn Fields in her article for the Colorado Daily last week) is the Antichrist of the contribution movement. They invite themselves along on trips and outings, never have the right gear, always forget something, expect others to carry more in their pack and never have enough food.

In the business world, it’s the guy who never has a pen but always steals yours. They’re never on-time for a meeting and their reports are never done. They pour all but the last drop out of the coffee pot so that the pot isn’t technically “empty” so they don’t have to make a new pot.

The Detractors Don’t Contribute

These people are annoying. And when you hear them utter, “Thanks, man,” they wander off as quickly as they showed up in need and leave a cloud of insincerity in their wake. You want to shove their last LOL comment up something sideways and bomb their office web browser with porn links. The worst part – well, for me – in dealing with those who don’t contribute is realizing how much they detract from the flow. In business, on a blog, in a conversation – flow is what you have and it sucks when people screw with it.

Top Five Questions Detractors NEVER Ask Themselves

If you’re a detractor, you don’t ask questions. You think in statements. Questions beget dialogue and statements…tend to isolate. I sat down this morning, laptop on lap and Small Dog licking something at the foot of the bed that I only dream of being able to reach in such a manner, and thought: how do detractors think? If this were Narnia, I think the list of questions would look something like this:

1. Do I have anything meaningful to add to this conversation? A link, an alternative viewpoint?
2. Can I state my viewpoint without being a douchebag?
3. Have I done the requisite preparation for this event/meeting/post/airplane trip so that I’m not a burden on others due to my lack of planning?
4. By doing what it is that I’m going to inevitably do, am I going to cause someone else frustration or make them want to choke the living shit out of me?
5. If I act like myself, will people want to invite me back for a repeat performance?

So today – ask yourself: are you contributing? Or are you merely coasting by and dropping d-bag bombs near and far and falling further and further into the rabbit hole of becoming “that guy/girl?” We all slip-up every now and then and not everything we do has to be of earth-shattering import. My point is this: if you’re walking into a dialogue and you drop a conversation-stopping bomb (and needlessly), what’s the point? It’s lovely that you want to amuse yourself. It’s entirely unlovely how people have to moderate, manage and compensate for your lack of contribution.

You’ve been slapped.

Image via @timeforcake - WTF, over? I need a taco, Facebook!

I wish I could say it’s with great difficulty I write this letter, but it’s not. As a matter of fact, what follows is purely stream-of-consciousness frustration that’s putting on a blog suit and gloves. Complete with two middle fingers.

I love my Redhead Writing Facebook Fan Page. My fans do, too. My fans and readers can always get ahold of me: Twitter, contact form on my website, Facebook message, carrier pigeon…But what I simply can’t fathom is how you have 400 million users to-date and lack a CONTACT US tab on your site. How is it that you’ve grown into the social networking behemoth you have without one iota of consideration for those who actively use your site and need help doing so?

Your customer service is apathetic if not entirely absent, yet you profess to know what your users want every goddamn time you change your UI. But I understand – you’re BIG. B-I-G. Being BIG apparently grants you a level of untouchability accompanied by a lack of accountability to your users. If we don’t like it, we can go to MySpace, right? Or Google Buzz. Let’s sit down and dish in this pretend letter of mine that I doubt anyone from your business team will ever read. After all, you’re too busy to respond to user-generated questions on:

How to transfer ownership of a Facebook Fan Page (because businesses NEVER change ownership in Facebookland)

How to remove a permanent “admin” on a Facebook Fan Page (another 8 pages of unanswered user questions)

Changing the name of your Facebook Fan Page (whoa – 163 unanswered posts)

I’m going to give you a lesson in Customer Service, Redhead-Style. Sit down, stop changing your UI for a minute and listen to what we have to say (since you don’t even do that on your own site in the forums).

Your User Interface Sucks, the Concept of Service and Budgets

Frankly, as someone who deals with UIs as a large component of her day-to-day, you suck. Suck, suck, suck. If you sucked any more, you’d be on the street corner in the shady part of town, doling out hummers for $10. In the past year, I’ve logged in no fewer than three times and found all my schizzle in a hizzle. There is not other successful business that keeps dicking with its UI to the extent that you do and no one’s amused. We have no choice but to accept what you lay down (especially since you don’t listen to any of your users or have a Customer Service department to take complaints or help resolve important issues. Here’s a quote I find amusing:

“Thanks again for making Facebook a part of your life. Happy sixth birthday to Facebook and our whole community. We look forward to building more things and continuing to serve you for many more years to come.” – Mark Zuckerberg, co-founder of Facebook to the UK Telegraph

Really, Mark? How is it possible for you to “continue to serve” when you haven’t even begun? Your users speak on your very own Facebook Forums and you don’t reply. There’s no Contact Us page (like any other website on the planet…even plumbers have a Contact Us page with a phone number…so do Adult Novelty Stores – OMG they have a PHONE NUMBER, TOO…so does Twitter). And here’s the mind-boggling spaghetti that is your “Help Center.” It’s like one of those outsourced-to India automated phone systems where I’m always told “0″ is an invalid entry.

Speaking to a human, being serviced by a human…it would be a novel concept on this site designed to connect human beings. How you’re above it all is beyond me. I’m wondering if somewhere you’ve teamed up with AT&T on masterminding the Shitty Customer Service Model – I own an iPhone and would throw it out the window if I weren’t so in love with the damned thing. AT&T’s customer service is maddening and I’ve never paid so dearly for such a high level of frustration. While I get the frustration for free with Facebook, I’d think that you could find $1.25 million in your estimated $550 million in revenue to hire 50 customer service reps at a whopping $25k per year to handle some customer service emails and calls. Customer service has been called an unaffordable budget cut in today’s economy, yet somehow Facebook lacks it entirely. Kudos for being ahead of the curve on saving money, but you’re saving it in the wrong place.

Maybe stop fucking around with your UI and save the money on design and coding. Just an idea. Reallocate those funds to serving those who promote you, use you and need help in maximizing their use of the services you provide.

Stop Acting Like Frat Boys

We get it – you started Facebook as a roommate thing and are oh-so-proud of where it’s gone and excited about where it can go. We are, too. But you need to stop acting like frat boys looking to nail the Google sorority girl. Your users and their content are what make you so attractive for partnerships. If you keep pissing us off, we’re going to gradually go away. We left MySpace, we shirked Plurk. We’ll do an about-face on Facebook as well. Start remembering who brought the beer and hot wings to your kegger and quit looking at Google’s tits long enough to communicate with those who got you where you are. We’re telling you what we need and what we want. All you have to do it engage. It IS “social” networking, right?

Enough With the Ad Whoring

It’s great that your ad network is a cost-effective means for businesses and individuals to promote services, causes and brand awareness. But I don’t want to see Jennifer Aniston’s unauthorized picture whoring some weight loss program or scam ads for “debt relief” services. I’m in Facebook to connect with people. People do business with people. How about some QA for these crap ads we’ve seen as of late and screw the user rating feature for ads. YOU are the network. Start taking control of your content. I could always hook you up with Focus on the Family and Tim Tebow if you want to learn more about bait-and-switch marketing tactics, y’know.

…and that’s all I’ve got for now, dear Facebook, but I’m sure my readers have more. We’ll see what they have to say about your shenanigans as I know the problems and views expressed above aren’t exclusively mine. I may be an outspoken redhead ranting out of Denver, Colorado, but I have clients who rely on me for answers about Facebook and you…make it difficult to say anything other than, “Well, that’s just the way it is. Facebook said so.”

And THAT is a crappy answer to have to give with the obligatory shrug.

RedheadWriting.com is on a temporary template since I was hacked a week ago and my redesign is in the finishing stages (standby – we’re hoping for a March 1 launch! W00t!). One of the key things I sat down and asked myself during the UI (user interface) design process was: who does this website serve?

The answer was a bit startling: NOT ME.

A website is designed to do one thing and one thing only: exactly what you want your site visitors to do. If you want your visitors to wallow around aimlessly like a beached whale in the dead of summer, you can do that. But I’ll bet you’d rather have some things that look like the following:

• More signups for your email list
• More RSS subscribers
• Higher conversion rates from visitors to customers
• Email inquiries about services
• More blog comments

And less of these things:

• Where the hell is ______?!?
• I have no idea what this site is about. How did I get here?
• I can’t find anything on here.
• OK, read the blog post. I’m leaving now to go troll eBay for Disney memorabilia.

I think Brian Clark over at Copyblogger had it right with the first two points in his article 10 Effective Ways to Get More Blog Subscribers. While not about web design per se, the top two points on the list are Make it Easy and Obvious and Be Laser Focused. A website shouldn’t leave people wondering what to do or what you’re all about. So here’s the bitch slap:

Stop thinking like a business owner and start thinking like a site visitor.

Here are five questions to ask yourself about your current or future website (and shit howdy, I’ve asked myself ALL of these throughout my site redesign process):

Web Design Question #1: Who am I and what do I do?

If you can’t answer this, neither can your copywriter or your web designer. It should never be mistaken that you’re a plumbing company when in reality you’re an ad agency. Talk about your business going down the shitter.

Web Design Question #2: What do you want people to do on each page of your website?

And no – that’s not a trick question. You don’t want people to interminably stay on your home page, nor do you want people to leave your site for lands unknown (aka a website that’s not YOURS). You have to TELL them what to do on each page of your site. If it’s a blog page, maybe you want them to keep reading – show them more posts that relate to the current post’s topic! Maybe it’s the home page and you want their email address for your newsletter list – make it easy and obvious to subscribe! If there’s not a call to action (in web designer terms CTA) on most every page of your website, your website fails before it even begins. You’d have been better off going to get a taco than paying a designer a load to build you an online box with no tape to hold it together.

Web Design Question #3: How does your competition address the above two questions?

I know – everyone thinks they’re Gordon freakin’ Gekko. The competition should bow down to you because two simple words sums it up: you’re better. That may very well be, but if you consider them to be “competition,” they’re obviously doing something right, eh Sherlock? Find out what they know and use the CASE principle one you get it: Copy And Steal Everything. There’s nothing truly new under the sun, but there are innovative ways to make other people’s successes work for you. No one’s too good in this life to be above taking notes.

Web Design Question #4: What are you willing to do in order to get the job done?

Any zoo animal can have a website. But will your website separate you from your competition – or at least put you on the same playing field? I’m so tired of seeing Geocities bullshit ghetto websites and Angelfire rejects. It’s not expensive to have a solid website built (see Your Website Sucks) and whatever you spend will be worth it. Don’t walk into a Ferarri dealership asking what kind of mileage the thing gets. Seriously. Solid web design is worth what you pay. Check out Visual Adventures, Time for Cake, Judith Shakes Designs and Phases Design Studio. I work with all four of these firms on a regular basis. They’re the schiz and can build you a site that you can edit yourself without being afraid that clowns are going to crawl out from under the bed and eat your pretty design because you hit a wrong key. Stop hiring your friend’s daughter or boss’s nephew. If you do, please send me a fork with which I can stab myself in the eye. It’s a lesson I learned with RedheadWriting.com – WordPress templates can only go so far. I’m beyond a template and needed a full-fledged designer. It’s worth it. Amen/pass the salt.

Web Design Question #5: What are you going to do to promote your website once you build it?

It’s no longer enough to be online – you have to earn web rankings. And sugar, let me tell you: that ain’t free. If you’re not prepared to pay in reciprocal links, cash for a solid SEO strategy or invest a whole helluva lot in a social media campaign designed to drive backlinks, you’re making a huge mistake. A website is a marketing strategy. Any solid marketing strategy is supported by other strategies. It’s likely you found this post from a social media or social bookmarking outlet. That’s by design. It’s not my only means for encouraging traffic to the site – it’s a component. Any website design that doesn’t include the exploration of a SEO strategy is failing before it begins. Need more info on Search Engine Optimization? Check out seOverflow’s search engine optimization blog as well as SEOmoz.org’s resources section.

That’s it -tough love in the land of web design. Now I’ll throw the mic over to you, dear readers: what else is HUGE in the realm of web design? Lay it on us and make it thick, please. Like a milkshake that’s going to leave my lactose-intolerant self balled-up on the bathroom floor in cramps…awwyeah.

I’ll start off with a little snark: I didn’t expect much. I’ve been to waaaaaay to many charity events that were time sucks and time wasted that I can’t get back. Poor planning, horrific organization, silent auctions filled with crap that no one wants…I was looking at this as a night out of the house and figuring that if Jim invited me, there was something I needed to see.

Capital O.M.G. – Jim was right.

Simply stated and without sounding like I’m blowing smoke up ARTMA’s ass, every charity event I attend from here on out will have to rise to the bar they’ve set. I won three pieces throughout the evening’s silent auctions, and while I lost the brilliant piece depicting three eggs in a nest, I did win a mid-century modernesque wood sculpture that I can’t wait to hang. I’m going to give you a rundown on the successes and a few places where the 2012 event can excel even beyond 2010’s:

Visually Stunning: Whether you’re attending a conference or a charity event, people want to be wowed. It doesn’t take much, just some attention to detail and the understanding of what does and does not matter visually. The event was about the art, and the art auctions raised money for the foundation. When I arrived, I felt glad I’d put on some killer heels and a skirt – and if I hadn’t, I would have wished I had.

Remarkable Layout: Charity events and conferences alike are challenged with “fitting everything in.” ARTMA delivered in spades. Check-in, get your auction booklet, go to coat check and then you’re off to a wonderland of art. I have to share how they did this:

Comp bar inside the exhibition hall between two prominent live auction paintings

The room was comprised of silent auction galleries, beginning on your right hand side. The galleries closed at evenly spaced intervals (7:20, 7:40, 8:00, etc.) and in a counter-clockwise fashion around the exhibit hall. This kept the sense of urgency up to bid, kept people MOVING around the hall and allowed volunteers to quickly clear a closed auction gallery and send pieces off for packing and pickup ASAP.

Food was all the way at the back of the room and just enough to tide you over. The selection was brilliant, especially in the eyes of two gluten-free guests (though I did indulge in a lollicake from Simple Sugar, which I hereby dub the WIN of the evening in the food section).

Seating in the middle – limited, but enough to take a load off for a girl in 4 inch heels (hey – I’m 5′3″ on a GOOD day! I need all the help I can get…)

Cashiers – Ready to go? No sweat. Just give your auction booklet number to the volunteers, they give you a total, run your card. Within minutes, they’ve delivered each and every piece you won – bubblewrapped and complete with a receipt that clearly shows your tax deduction (wow).

The Right Size: All too often, we go to events that are overcrowded or make you feel like you’re a tadpole in an ocean. The event had 1000 guests (sold out!) and while the galleries were crowded, you could always navigate your way around the room. Kudos on this – it’s a difficult task.

Thoughts for 2012:

Second Chance Gallery – LOVED the fact that you took any piece that didn’t receive a minimum bid and placed it in a second chance gallery…but let me give you money! I tried to outbid someone on a piece I wanted desperately and was told “sorry.” Sad face for this redhead. How about 20 minutes of bidding and then before the next closed gallery’s pieces come in, you change the color of the bid sheet which makes it a “last chance” piece for minimum bid?

Eye Level - The pieces on tables between the galleries were often overlooked (I know – I got one for a song). Raise the display tables on these up to above waist level and you’ll have more eyes and more bids, I’ll bet.

Children’s Gallery - While I didn’t win any of the pieces created by the children (dangit), I did love that you had them in a separate area. Make this area in a featured location next year – like the entryway between those two large paintings and the first bar. After all – they’re the reason we were all invited.

Gallery Closings – Upon close, have volunteers go around and immediately highlight the winning bid. I’m pretty sure I lost 2 pieces from after-the-close bidders. While I’m delighted that it raised more funds, it’d be a way to even the score and keep things fair.

Anyone working with a nonprofit, on the board of one or organizing an event that’s designed to be a conference or a fundraiser, you could learn a thing or two from the Morgan Adams Foundation’s website and strategies above. There’s a reason they only do this every two years, and it shows. Simply splendid, I say. And if you can bring in 1000 people, I can’t wait until 2012 when my friend Lisa and I will attend again and see what you’ve done with 2000 people. I have no doubt that’s where you’re headed.

My peeps – what makes an event a success in YOUR book? I was surprised this weekend…tell me how you’ve been surprised.

Quit yer bitchin'

You whiny little bastards. Quit it, would ya? All we hear in the media is “recession this, foreclosure crisis that, stock market blank…”

and blah, blah, blah.

Stop. Bitching. About. The. Recession.

I’ll say this here and now: I am against “job stimulus.” I voted for Obama yet believe firmly it’s no business of the federal, state or local government to “create” jobs. Here’s an idea: jobs are created when a business’s model demands the need for the resource, NOT because someone needs a job. What the hell are they teaching in business school these days? Here’s a list of shit I don’t think is on any MBA’s syllabus:

• If Bob sucks at his job but has three kids, you should keep him in the position out of pity and continue to overload other workers with tasks required to fix his sub-par efforts.
• If the economy is bad, the onus is on the business owner to contribute to the economy by overextending its resources to maintain its current workforce. It should never consider layoffs or downsizing to reduce costs.
• If the economy is bad, companies and governments should create more jobs, even though those jobs could be performed with existing resources.

Bullshit.

I don’t believe we are in a recession when I hear on the news that Las Vegas sports book managers estimate that over $90 million will be wagered on this year’s Super Bowl (numbers are estimated at $10 billion worldwide).

I don’t believe we are in a recession when 50% of the places I visit on a daily basis have Help Wanted signs in the window.

I think the media should shut the hell up about all of those people who bought homes they couldn’t afford without the proper cash reserves in the bank. I think they should stop the sensationalized buzz about a shitty day in the stock market. I think WE should start putting on our big people britches and get our asses in gear.

Can’t find a job? MAKE ONE. Reinvent yourself. Now is the time to pursue everything you always wanted to do instead of trolling the classifieds each day for a glimmer of hope. CREATE YOUR OWN GLIMMER.

Update your skill set. No one hires dinosaurs.

Accept responsibility – you don’t deserve a job. You have to market yourself above and beyond other candidates. You don’t deserve clients. They have to be courted. You don’t deserve an income. You have to…earn a living. Shocker, huh?

If you think I’m lack compassion with these unpopular thoughts of mine, here’s a story:

In November of 2008, I moved to Denver and engaged with a kickass startup as their Director of Marketing. I put all my eggs in one basket and accepted them as my primary client. I was 1099, carried my own health insurance, and busted ass 60+ hours a week. Well, in September, funding dried-up in spite of stellar press coverage and huge market traction. I had no other choice but to depart. I had a five-figure retainer client one week and the next I had nothing. What did I do? I sulked for a week and then cowgirled the fuck up and got all my clients back from my freelancers to whom I’d subbed my work out to and hit the streets running. Today? I’m full. I have so much business that it amazes even me and I’m thankful. Thankful for the relationships I’ve nurtured, my clients who trust me, my friends who supported me and colleagues who answered phone calls and emails when I finally had the guts to ask, “Do you know anyone who…”

I don’t rely on anyone to give me a paycheck. I don’t want anything given to me. I love the feeling of The Earn. I’m no better than anyone else and I’ve got a shitload left to learn on this mortal coil, but I’m loving OWNING my journey.

There is no recession in my house or in my life – and it’s not because I’m lucky. I don’t discount occasional streaks of luck, but this path I’m living – it’s filled with blood, sweat and tears. Work is just that – WORK. I adore what I do and why I do it. I do it for ME.

Stop working for someone else and work for yourself.

Stop whining about something you have the power to change.

Stop assuming that what you have today will be here tomorrow.

Stop letting the media tell you where your life is at.

Start living.

Start earning.

Just start.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had a question posed to me more often than ever before: should I be on Twitter?

While most seem to chirp out “Of course! C’mon! It’s fun! Everyone should be on Twitter!!!!” [notice the multiple exclamation points], my first response is generally something along the lines of:

Oh, hell no.

Why?

Because if you don’t know WHY you’re there, you can’t understand why you should stay.

Social media requires a strategy, whether you’re Suzy Sunshine looking to find fellow knitting fans or Bob the Business Owner seeking new customers.

Ask yourself right now: why are YOU on Twitter?

I research, compile and present social media strategies to a wide range of businesses throughout the year and I always enter each research stage with one assumption: this business should NOT be on Twitter. That is, unless I find evidence to the contrary. I don’t want my clients wasting their time with a social medium that is not conducive to their goals and…well…a waste of time. Establishing yourself in the social mediasphere is an investment. As I recently stated in a presentation at Chicks Who Click, you can’t have ROI without the I. If you have the choice between pissing away 15 minutes a day on Twitter and going to get a taco, go get the taco. It’ll at least leave you sated – which 15 minutes a day in the social mediasphere will NEVER, ever do.

Here are five questions to ask yourself if someone tells you that you simply MUST be on Twitter. Please kick them in the shins and then review this list. After all – it’s your time and something  you can never get more of.

Question 1: What do you think Twitter is?

If you think it’s something dirty (heh – “twitter”), if you think it’s a waste of time, if you don’t know…get clarification. And here’s the shocker: the answer is different for everyone. What Twitter is to ME isn’t the same thing it is to the awesome folks over at Good Belly. Clarify and then personify.

Question 2: How much time do you have to spend on social media each day?

Social media – and especially Twitter – is SOCIAL. That implies dialogue. Interaction. And in order to interact, you have to get to know people and break the ice a bit. Way too many people treat it like a hit-and-run accident or a one night stand. Relationships are not borne from broadcast headlines and self-indulgent posts. They’re borne from connecting on a personal level with your audience and THAT takes time. It’s the I in ROI – what are you prepared to I?

Question 3: What do you expect to get out of your Twitter account?

New customers? More site traffic? Blog comments? If you don’t know before you begin, take a minute to determine what you envision to be the end result. When you know the answer to this, question 4 will quickly answer itself.

Question 4: Is your target demographic on Twitter?

I recently worked with Doyle Albee at Metzger & Associates on a social media strategy for a high profile, international brand. Our initial thoughts? Twitter? Hell yes! The end result after 5 weeks of research? Hell no. Their target demographic lived in a niche bulletin board system and not on Twitter – and there were other ways to access key bloggers for product coverage. It’s NOT for everyone and we were truly delighted to tell the client: don’t waste your time here – spend it wisely over there.

Question 5: How will Twitter integrate into your other online presences?

Blogs, Facebook Fan Pages, Tumblr accounts, online promotions…How will you integrate Twitter into these efforts as well? No online presence is an island and one needs the support of others to be the most successful possible. If you don’t know about Facebook Fan Pages (also NOT for everybody), check out this killer post from Tamar Weinberg at Techipedia on building a Facebook Fan Page. If you’re working with a social media consultant, PR firm or ad agency who’s telling you that you should be on Twitter and cannot answer that question…shit, I hope you don’t have a contract. Fire ‘em.

And now to you, reader: what other questions should people ask before they dive-in face first into Twitter? Share you comments below and share with your friends so they can add their insights as well!

smack smack

I am three hours from out the door to Ouray, Colorado for my annual girl’s trip to the Betty Ice Ball and I haven’t packed. There is the remnant of a zit the size of the Dominican Republic on my right cheek and I’m still sitting in my workout clothes, mildly soggy with sweat (ew). I horked a bowl of hot cereal, cleaned-up Small Dog’s pee present, took out the trash and recycling and am currently washing the dog beds because they smell like 6 shades of canine ass.

But my Bitch Slap this week? It’s a thank you.

I’m a paid columnist for ToyWithMe and put out a column each Thursday called Dear Redhead. Paul and Sandy are incredible to have as clients and they’ve always let me feel my way and talk about what I want. For the past two weeks, though, we’ve tried something different: letting me rant. It’s a talent (my mother will substantiate), but I had to figure out HOW to rant for their readership…and mine.

When people hire you to write an online column, they’re bringing you on board for your voice, style and existing audience. My @RedheadWriting audience is a delightful mixture of local Denver flavor, snark and professional insights. My @DearRedhead following developed into a sex kitten with NSFW content. Fuck – how did I bring the two worlds together?

We chatted, we strategized. We needed to change the format, but—to what? I went to the mat and said: let me try something. Please. And they did. The tactic? My brand of purpose-driven snark coupled with current events – shit that incensed, inspired and or/infuriated me. I sat down and…I wrote.

And I got a Bitch Slap: be who you are and do what it is you do best.

Traffic on my Dear Redhead column exploded, my followers exploded on both Twitter accounts, Facebook Fans of Redhead Writing upped almost 100 in a week (and still rolling) and…I’m happy. And ToyWithMe.com is happy. And my readers – well, they’re happy. The first column on Proposition 8 was picked-up by multiple blogs across the web and this week’s on the Superbowl/Tim Tebow/Anti-Abortion snafu is rolling in comments and hella Retweet action even a day later. Shelly Kramer even gave me a shout out in her piece today on the Superbowl advertising issue.

I went back to what it is that I do best and got a little smackdown that reminded me why I ever did it in the first place.

Who you are is precious, whether you’re a fucking idiot or a flaming queen…staunch conservative or blazing liberal…helicopter pilot or train conductor. Embrace YOU and stop leaving YOU behind. If people want to be in your life, hire you…stand next to your fire…bring them into your realm on YOUR terms. And listen to the people in your life who are telling you that perhaps you’re straying from YOU. Take a moment, reel it in and get back to the basics. It all begins with you.

I write for a living, yet it still never ceases to astonish me that people read what I write. People I’ve never MET read what I write. It’s like – OMG….SERIOUSLY? Tell someone that you appreciate what they do today…appreciate who they are and what they bring to the table. We need those people – and they need us. Symbiosis…ah. The most delicious sting of a Bitch Slap.

Seriously. Thank you.

Is there a hot knitting blog? A gluten-free living blog you dig? A rant, rousing environment or something just plain’ ol silly?

My best reads come on the recommendations of my community…so out with it! Here’s my list of current faves:

The Oatmeal (biggest laughs + biggest time-waster in the history of mankind = FTW!)

Janet Reid, Literary Agent (snark + confidence = views I appreciate and a nice wakeup call in my Google Reader. And her Twitter avatar is a shark. Hells yes.)

The Rude Pundit (no apologies + topical content = just my style and appreciation that he doesn’t pump “popular” lines of thought)

V3 Blog (social media insights + boxer shorts = fresh content in a world that doesn’t need another social media blog…a brand new addition to my reader)

So out with it: old faves, new additions, shit you deleted, what replaced it…do tell. I’m a pervy gal and wanna peep in yo reader. If you like my schiz and wanna never miss any schiz, add this blog to your reader now. You can also be my fan on Facebook. We have mimosas on Sunday and Taco Thursdays!